An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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