I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
