apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
