I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
