Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
