i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You may now shotgun with the bride
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
