I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
