Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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