its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
