I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Boobs are out for the taking
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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