that's an acceptable place to lick
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
