oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
