Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i wish my penis had a tongue
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
