Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
