How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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