When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
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When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
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The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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