I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
