am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
