so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
