a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
