and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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