And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I am mentally ready for anal.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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