she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
