the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
