things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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