i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
