I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I will be naked everywhere
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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