My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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