You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
