Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
