Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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