that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
True strength comes from lack of pants
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
