I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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