I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
The air taste purple.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
