Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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