my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
