omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
