do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
