It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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