sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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