somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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