If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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