You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
