The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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