I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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