New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
