You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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