I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
