Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
