totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
