I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
