My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Randomize
