I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
