it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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