i'm signing you up for texting rehab
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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