three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
My dad is sitting where you rode me
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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