Even the bartender felt bad for me
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
