You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
