You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
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So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize