It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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