you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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