Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Randomize
