so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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